Mommy Mind Sabotage

I feel like a single mother.  It's not throwing Kyle under the bus to say that because I understand his job requires that he work 80+ hours a week right now.  This has allowed me to think a lot about how difficult it is to be a stay at home parent to a 4yr4mo old and and a 2yr11mo old.  My children are extremely active, like probably bordering on hyperactive.  They could walk/run literal miles in a day and still have energy to be wild.  I appreciate this quality in them as an idea but day in and day out, it is...rough?  They are also very inquisitive (okay, likely most kids this age are and that's normal and great) but "why, what, who, where, when and how" are often the only things I am answering all day and night.  For some months now, they are also both DEMANDING.  Demanding as in, it's a real problem coming up with different ways to teach them patience, especially when I don't feel I'm very much a model of that virtue when often running on three days in a row of kids not seeing their father or any other loving, responsible adult for that matter.  Three days with just the three of us would be bearable here and there but we're talking weeks/months.  Preston and Claire don't go to daycare or preschool or have a nanny and they don't nap, so for 12-13 hours a day, I'm ON.  I sometimes feel like I've lost myself.  That I am only a mother to Preston and Claire.  No more working out (recovering from surgery partly to blame there) and I haven't been able to pursue personal training or photography, two things that help keep me sane as well as a person with interests other than being mom.  I know I chose this and millions of other people have hard lives, too.  It is my job, but most of the time, it's a pretty thankless job.  Ah, yes, throwing out that platitude.  Ha.  It's true, though. 

I promise this isn't a post just to say, my life is tough and I want to complain.  I'm writing this with a bigger issue in mind.  I think we parents often hurt each other. Why?  Because not enough of us admit how difficult it is to be a mom/dad, at least some of the time.  When someone asks, "How is it going?" referring to parenting, how many of us just simply say, "Oh, it's wonderful!" or "Everything has been awesome!"?  Rare is the friend who will admit that little baby X woke up 8 times last night or toddler Z has been whining so much and I feel at my wits end and very alone and sometimes wonder if I was crazy to have another.  These thoughts and feelings, even if fleeting aren't often said when asked about life with the wee one/s.  Does it mean we don't love our children if we admit that sometimes life was easier with one OR none?  Does it mean I would go back and not have had my lovies?...NO! It's not what I mean at all when I think the things I do.  I love my children more than any other person.  I'm doing it again...because when I say negative things, I feel like I have to explain or follow up with ten positive things to make sure the reader or friend or whatever understands fully that I love being a mom.  This is it, though, I don't think I like that we have to do the follow up part.  I KNOW that my friends love their kids and are happy and feel blessed and wouldn't change the fact that they had their little ones and I want it to just be understood without having to be said that I feel the same even if I admit to feeling crazy sometimes with my two. 

I worry about whether or not I'm the only mom out there thinking these things from time to time because rare is the person who admits to the thoughts (at least in my experience).  We all want to be calm and collected and look to have it all together...to be perfect moms with perfect children who never disobey us and who always say, please and thank you and smile at the nice stranger who is talking to us.  Mine pretty much ignore the people they don't know well or hide behind my leg.  My kids have taken to saying "no" a lot and I have taken to raising my voice more than I ever imagined I might.  I feel like a bad bad mommy because I think I'm supposed to be perfect.  Striving for this parenting perfection and always feeling like I'm falling way short, I think, is perpetuated by all of us when we never admit to the tough days or weeks.  Is it really just me or am I onto something when I say I believe we might be hurting each other as parents by making things always seem like things are never very difficult?